Week commencing 01.12.03

Ban on mobile driving

A ban on using mobile phones while driving comes into force on Monday.

The minimum fine for breaking the law is £30, but police are expected to be lenient with offenders – at least for the first two months. Hands-free kits are allowed, but many road safety experts say they do not reduce the risks of having an accident.

Police forces can issue on-the-spot fines from Monday, but the Association of Chief Police Officers has recommended that officers in England and Wales give drivers a period of grace to get used to the new laws.

Do the police have nothing more to do than look for the easy targets?

Go out and arrest some real criminals who are breaking into peoples houses, mugging the helpless on streets and living in houses without paying any rent.

LOTR Premiere

The world première of the final Lord of the Rings film attracted up to 100,000 people to the streets of the New Zealand capital Wellington on Monday.

Actors and film-makers took part in a parade in the city, where much of the trilogy’s production has been based.

Bring out the dead

The US military has reported killing 46 militants and wounding 18 in clashes in the central Iraqi city of Samarra.

Five US soldiers and a civilian were wounded in the fighting which raged as militants made a series of attacks on convoys in the city on Sunday

What are we celebrating the deaths of Iraqis now? All the news papers are hailing this like some sort of victory.

The truth is out there

Astronomers say they have evidence for Earth-like planets orbiting a nearby star, making it more like our own Solar System than any yet discovered.

The star, Vega, is one of the brightest in the sky, only 25 light years away.

It is three times larger than our Sun and, at 350 million years old, much younger as well.

Vega has a disc of dust circling it, and at least one large planet which could sweep debris aside allowing smaller worlds like Earth to exist.

What did I tell you. Some people were calling it “just another religion” but the rest of us knew…we are not alone.

Rocket

A football fan is still in hospital after she was hit in the face by an official display rocket at Wolverhampton Wanderes.

Strewth. Football matches are dangerous enough for spectators without having to contend with the staff trying to kill you as well as the fans

Tax-payers money

BBC will introduce a ban on all its journalist working for outside interests next nonth,

The BBC has created a £2 million float to compensate journalists like Andrew Marr and John Humphreys who can earn up to 100,000 a year writing for newpapers and tv appearances.

Greg Dyke says that this will boost the BBC brand

The move comes ahead of the Hutton inquiry on activities of BBC journalists.

Good to see that the tax-payers money is well spent on stopping people working.

Has this country gone mad!

Lips

Actress Leslie Ash says she does not deserve the relentless jibes she has suffered since cosmetic surgery gave her the nickname “trout pout”. “I had an accident,” Ash, who is currently starring in BBC’s Merseybeat, complained to the Radio Times. “People don’t laugh at Heather Mills because she lost a leg, If I’d lost a leg in a car crash, people wouldn’t have felt able to take the mickey out of me so mercilessly.”

Ash took the decision to have collagen lip implants because she wanted “to maintain a certain image”, she said. “I know I never really needed it doing in other people’s eyes, and that’s a great compliment,” Ash added. “But I’m 43 and your top lip disappears when you get to that age.”

Now how can Leslie Ash compare getting old to loosing a leg? How vain is this woman exactly?

Bribing teachers

Almost a third of head teachers in top primary schools have been bribed or threatened by parents trying to get children a place, the BBC has found. Some 70% said parents had lied in applications, for example giving a false address to qualify for the school’s catchment area

Is this what being a parent does to you? Do they suddenly think themselves gangsters and mobsters.

They are parents, not godfathers.

Who knows

US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has won a “Foot in Mouth” award for one of his now legendary bizarre remarks.

Mr Rumsfeld won the prize for comments made at a news conference in February last year which left observers baffled.

“There are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns,” he said.

The British Plain English Campaign annually hands out the prize for the most nonsensical remark made by a public figure

Donald is getting a reputation for talking rubbish. However in this instance you can only hope that her was not taking himself seriously. Well, he couldn’t be, could he?

Thai Rak

MPs from Thailand’s ruling Thai Rak Thai Party are getting hot under the collar over plans by the party leadership to ban them from having mistresses or visiting brothels.

Later this month, the party, led by the prime minister, Thaksin Shinawatra, will consider plans to screen candidates so that only faithful and monogamous husbands can stand in elections.

One MP told The Nation newspaper that if the rules were enforced, the party would only be able to field around 30 candidates, compared to its more than 200 sitting MPs.

Another said it would lead to mass defections.

It made me laugh here that the MP’s will be outraged and defect. Can you imagine “I want a party without morals thanks so I am defecting, by the way can I count on your vote?”

Who’s Side kick

Doctor Who is to get a Buffy-style sidekick when he makes his TV return.

His new colleague will be a modern action heroine, according to writer Russell T Davies, who is reviving the sci-fi series for the BBC in 2005.

“A screaming girly companion is unacceptable now,” he said in an interview for TV Times magazine.

The search is still on for an actor to play the new Doctor Who, with Alan Davies, Anthony Head, Eddie Izzard, and Richard E Grant all linked to the role.

I think Anthony head would be ideal and especially if they are going to make his sidekick Buffyesk.

He could just be Jiles, or better still, Ripper in the long coat and scarf.

Drink driving

Five Tube workers have lost their jobs after more than 100 empty beer cans and bottles of alcohol were found in a staff mess room.

Tube company Metronet confirmed on Tuesday the staff had been dismissed.

Fifteen track maintenance workers were suspended in October charged with gross misconduct.

Empty brandy and wine bottles and full cans of lager and cider were found in a fridge, cooker and in a loft above the room at Farringdon Tube station

These people drive our trains. These are only the ones that were caught. Be afraid.

Fat kids love cake

Ministers are planning a possible clampdown on the advertising of junk food and drink to children.

Culture Secretary Tessa Jowell has asked the new television regulator Ofcom to review its advertising code. She said she was worried about soaring rates of obesity among children.

This means that McD adverts will finally be off the air, not to mention that Burger King ad. Don’t you just want to hold down that boy with the ‘sideshow Bob’ hair cut and cut it all off.

Well, at least it is some way towards a healthier nation. Pass me another mince pie.

Toilet humour

A fully functioning toilet is to be unveiled as a public piece of art.

Artist Monica Bonvicini has created a minimalist glass cube containing a usable loo to stand opposite the Tate Britain gallery in London. The work, called ‘Don’t Miss A Sec’, is made out of one-way glass which means you can see out but not in.

The public sculpture will sit at the former Royal Army Medical College in Millbank, and is meant for public use.

I do not think this article needs any of my toilet humour to illustrate its stupidity. I think how the public show their appreciation will speak volumes.

Diet gave her a stitch or two

A woman who lost 21st on a diet has paid £130,000 to have enough skin removed to cover 4 dining room tables

Rows of stitches is all that holds the 38 year old woman together after 5 hours of liposuction and 3 hours to sew here together again.

I am torn. On one hand, it is excellent that someone was motivated enough to change their lifestyle enough to regain their fitness, but on the other hand, 6 dining room tables of skin! How big was she?

Capital colours

It was revealed this week that the face of the Capital is changing

Whites make up 71.2% of the 7.1 million population in Greater London compared to 79.8% in 1991 Census (White here includes non-English)

Indians are the next biggest group at 436,993. Despite a 4% rise in the city’s population whites fell by 390,000.

Newham is one of two boroughs in Britain with a white minority.

What have I been saying all this time. Stop calling us an Ethnic minority. I think that it is fair to say that we are an Ethnic group.

Besides, what sort of analysis is this supposed to be, us against them?

Why did the census feel it necessary to do a colour analysis? Surely, the ethnic demographic is far more important than the colour of their skin.

They have effectively bolstered the ‘Whites’ number by including the non-English. What was their motive there?

Retire at 17

Charlotte Church plans to retire at 17

Ms Church says that she has now achieved everything that she wants including a £450,000 Marina flat.

Think back to when you were 17, what were you doing? Think how different would your life have been now if you could have retired back then.

Anybody jealous yet?

Spoilt brats

The average child in Britain has about £3,000 worth of electrical equipment in their room, a survey revealed today.

The average child also has £4,500 clothing and accessories

There is a lesson here for all you parents out there.

I remember when all we had was a hoop and a stick….well, an Atari and a Sinclar spectrum, but it amounts to the same thing

Counselling

A Husband in Miami shot his wife during a marriage counselling session.

The man then proceeded to stabbed her several times before then shot himself.

Now there is one man that perhaps should have kept things bottled up inside. It is also not a very good advert for that counsellor.

“Do you have any reference?” “Well errrrr…..”

Cannibal

Armin Meiwes 42, in on trial in Germany for Cannibalism. However his victim, Mr Brandes, had volunteered for the death after answering an ad on the internet

Brandes travelled from Munich to Rotenburg to meet Mr Meiwes at his flat. First Mr Meiwes cut off Mr Brandes manhood, which they both ate together.

Then Mr Meiwes stabbed Mr Brandes in the throat, cut him up and consumed him, all on video.

Now, I do not know where to start. Meiwes lived in Rotenburg, which really should have been called Rotten-burger with cannibalism going on.

Meiwes and Brandes ate Brandes’ manhood. Well, that is one way of giving head, quite literally, here it is serve that up with a nice Chianti.

This all adds new meaning to the phrases “Bite me” and “Eat me”.

Ok, ok, it’s alright, I will stop there. You can make up the rest yourself.

Ice cream dream

Mr Whippy vans are to be replaced with new Mr Nippy vans from Citroen

The new van features include; Dispensers that can dispense four types of ice-cream; more products can be stored; does not have to keep the engine running, contains a CD PA to play the latest hits, cost a third of the price of the old vans.

I know that this is 21st century progress and I am all for it, but I will miss the old sound of the diesel engine; the cloud of black smoke; the doggy leering smile of the unshaven, fat man behind the counter, the fag ash in the 99 with a flake; and letting down the tyres of the ice cream van so that you have a little longer to persuade your parents to by you an ice cream.

Gusumped

Homebuyer of a luxury farmhouse held the seller hostage after he raised the agreed selling price by £25,000 was jailed for 3 years

I feel his pain. I would say that it would almost be worth it.

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~ by jeditopcat on 3 November, 2008.

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